I was doing some research for a project, and needed to find information regarding contraception and birth control. It instantly dawned on me to go to Planned Parenthood, a company I interpret as knowledgable, accurate, and respectful in terms of sexual health. On their site I found plenty of information on contraception, including types I had never heard of, explanations of the different types, how various types work, effectiveness, and plenty of other things; it was exactly what I needed to know, and I was very excited that so much valuable information in regards to sexual health was easily accessible online.
Finding what I needed in record time, I decided to browse the site a bit. As gender and sexuality really interests me, I went into the “Sexual Orientation & Gender” tab. Now, not going to lie, this was a bit of a test. As an asexual woman, I like to see if organizations go beyond gay/bi/straight when referencing sexuality. I had high hopes for Planned Parenthood, but they went ahead and simply said,
“Each of us also has a sexual orientation. You may be bisexual, gay, lesbian or straight.”
Well, that was a let down.
I continued reading.
I saw a section that asked “What is the Kinsey Scale?” and, knowing the scale, was sure that asexuality would now be mentioned; while the Kinsey Scale is outdated, it’s better than nothing. Planned Parenthood mentioned the scale as such:
They excluded the “x” group—asexuals—a group included in the Kinsey Reports.
So now I’m getting mad. Not only is this organization which is a very large resource for millions of people nationally ignoring the existence of identities beyond gay, bisexual, and straight, they further excluded a group purposefully from a scientific study that officially included them.
Now I want to see what else is on this site. I found this gem:
Okay. Now I’m mad. This company has more than enough money to have proper resources on human sexuality. Asexuality is affirmed by most knowledgable psychologists as existant. While asexuality is not as well understood or evaluated as other sexual orientations, many researchers and doctors are aware of its existence and are studying it further. It is a thing that exists, even if Planned Parenthood doesn’t acknowledge it.
Many will say, “Why is it important to have your orientation acknowledged on a site for sexual health? It has nothing to do with you if you don’t have sex!” I always hear people ask, “Why do you need awareness for asexuality?! You guys don’t have any hardships to overcome!” I am used to having my sexual orientation ignored by the masses and insulted by the ignorant, but it is this silence and lack of awareness that is the problem.
Until I was 19, I did not know asexuality was an orientation. Like tons of other important things, sexuality was hardly discussed in sex ed class. But when I was as young as 16, I did know I did not want to have sex. In fact, the very thought of having sex made me anxious to a point of preventing me from having relationships during middle school and high school, when teens are starting to date. But I did not know what was wrong with me. Because there had to be something wrong with me; I knew that there were gay people, straight people, and bi people, but I was not any of those things. There had to be something wrong if I was not one of those three things, right? Right.
If there was something wrong with me, doctors would find it. Because that’s what doctors do, they find things that are wrong, they help people. So at 18, the summer before college, I went to my gynecologist and explained my lack of sexual desire. I had blood work done, and an invasive, painful pelvic exam. The only time anything had entered me was at 18 by my OBGYN after I previous explained my fear and hatred of being touched. (Irony.) The exam showed nothing wrong. My blood work was normal. I was healthy. The doctor said it was mental, that I should see a therapist.
So I did. When I entered college, I started seeing a therapist for my sexually defunct nature. For months I went to this therapist, and spilled my heart about my hatred of sex, my dislike of being touched, and my dispare at feeling like a broken human being. I told my therapist about every drunken time I tried to touch another person, men and women, trying to force myself in my drunken stupor to enjoy being touched, to enjoy touching. I told about how every time, even in my drunk state, I hated it. The therapist told me to masturbate, that it would jump start me sexual desire. When that did not work, I had the therapist claimed I must have been sexually abused as a child; I remember, for a moment, thinking maybe I was, even thought deep down I knew no such thing ever happened. I was willing to believe I was sexually abused as a child, at the suggestion of a professional, in an attempt to find a reason for my brokeness.
Finally it became too much. I went to Anna, the one person I trusted more than anyone at my school. She is the openly queer student affairs head at my college, and I trusted her so, so much. I went to her office one day, and just broke down crying. I spilled everything: the sexual hatred and fear, the inability of doctors to cure me, my loneliness and self-hatred. And then she said, “Carly, it’s okay. I just think you’re asexual.”
I was 19 before I heard that word in such a context. I was 19-years-old before another human being acknowledged that I was not broken, defunct, sexually repressed, closeted, or ill. I was 19-fucking-years-old before I was able to look at myself and not completely hate what I saw, and was able to accept myself as I was.
This is why we need education and awareness. This is why Planned Parenthood needs to include asexuality on its website. Because I lived years hating myself, not knowing what my true nature was, not knowing I cannot fix what isn’t broken. And I don’t doubt that there is another 16-year-old in my old situation, looking from a cure to their problem, hoping to find why they feel like such an outcast. Just imagine if they go to Planned Parenthood’s website and see, under that same category I just viewed, the inclusion of asexuality as a valid orientation. That could save them the years I spent hating myself.
Asexual education, awareness, and inclusion is not a cry for attention or to ruin safe spaces. It’s not just about wanting to feel special or wanting to make things difficult. It is about making sure people can grow up and be assured that they are not broken, that they are not alone, and that their existence is acknowledged.
